Robert Zemeckis, director of Back to the Future Part II, was “way off.”

My experience (and everyone else’s) has been enhanced by the constant presence of the distinct sound of the Vuvuzela. These fuckers have sold out here in the UK and apparently have sold especially well in my neighbourhood where “street twats” play the things the night through. Thanks South Africa.

Here’s some shit I found at NextRound

Cookie Monster Dead

COOKIE MONSTER was found dead on the streets of New York in the early hours of this morning.

Initial reports claim that Cookie Monster, who was shot dead at point blank range on the corner of Sesame Street, had been involved in a turf war with a neighbouring rival gang. Cookie, famous for his cookie-craving antics on the award winning Sesame Street was found by a young boy at 6:15 this morning. The boy is said to be in a state of shock and is claimed to have said “I wish I had found him before the rats”.

Sources close to Cookie Monster have said that Cookie had been ‘troubled’ of late and that it has been long suspected that he had been a victim of a long running blackmail campaign. “Cookie had been struggling to quash rumours about his sexuality. He used to have a lot of crazy parties, where anything would go, lots of young boys, loud music, drugs. We all suspected but no one really knew the truth. He had been acting really odd recently, very agitated”

It is so far unknown whether this information is tied to his death.

It’s just a matter of time before they replace our real mouths with one of these.

Bitter Sweet

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Your dick is in your hand, you can think of nothing other than releasing the demon, but your rigid friend needs a little help from the internet.

The internet was made for porn – so much so, it has been said that it is now possible for men to spurge their slosh just by entering a wi-fi hotspot. It is truly great. But with great porn comes grave responsibility, and all too soon comes the time to make some serious decisions about what you are capable of and where your life is going.

The internet has made porn so easy. I’m lucky enough to been too young to buy porn when the internet became available and so I have never suffered the pain of shop-bought porn. And internet porn is VAST. Top shelf filth is limited to “jugz”, “over 40s” and “ugleez”, the internet caters for every niche you can conceive of.

And that, my friend, is where you enter the danger zone.

WHAT DO YOU DO?
Your dick is bored, bored of watching the same old clips of big titty girls, so you start surfing some new ones. Most of these bitches are fake, and look like they have herpes, so you keep browsing looking for some prime meat. At long last, you find a girl you feel you could actually choke out your rattlesnake to, she’s hot, she’s got the curves and she seems to suck cock like a menace. Your peen is pleased.

But what’s this? Is she mixing it up? What is she doing? Shouldn’t she be taking it anal at this point? Wait… is she…. drinking piss?

This is it people – decision time. You’ve invested a lot of time in looking for decent porn, you’re at the end of your tether. You have two options.

Drop it: The sight of piss is too much, you’ve now officially got a ‘soft-on’, switch off, go to bed, you lose.
Go with it: You’ve spent the best part of your Saturday night researching the ‘right’ kind of porn and you’re not about to let a bit of piss get in your way. The girl is hott and you can phase out the foulness and focus on those titties jiggling around just long enough to clock off.

If you’ve elected to Go with it, you are entering troubled water my friend, good luck to you, peace be with you. If you elected to Drop it it’s a reasonable decision and we can’t blame you, but let’s face it, you’re probably the kind of guy who hides from gunfire – am I right?

If however, you are genuinely stumped as to which option you should take – follow me.

It’s true, it can be a genuine dilemma. That girl is smoking hot, like nothing you’ve ever seen before. Are you really willing to let some sexy girl meat get away that easily? And let’s face it, it did take you ages to find something remotely interesting. But on the other hand, it is piss.

Here are some helpful pointers to help you navigate your way through a HOT GIRL vs PISS PORN DILEMMA.

How hott is the girl?
Is she a definite 10? A 9 and a half? A 6? If she’s anything like a 7 or under you have to reconsider – why are you really considering watching the piss porn? Is it for the piss? Probably. If she’s of “if-I-saw-this-girl-I-would-rape-her” quality, it may be worth continuing to watch. If not, you should probably consider saving yourself and tossing off to Home and Away instead.

How much piss is there?
If the porn you are watching is like 90% piss and 10% girl, switch off now. If the girl gets no action other than piss-action, switch off now. If the piss is a minor part of the video and can easily be skipped and forgotten, you might just be able to soldier on with the right balance.

Will your wife/girlfriend/mother find out?
Do others have access to your computer? Your browsing history? Your bookmarks? Let’s face it, girls must know guys like porn. They can’t all live in an imaginary world where porn doesn’t happen and we don’t watch it, so if your significant other finds your porn stash or accidentally catches you shuffling one out over bigtitsrus.com it’s no biggie. At the end of the day, there might be a few red faces but you’ll all get over it eventually so long as you man it out.
To get caught with pissporn is a different game altogether. Imagine explaining to your mum or your girlfriend “but it’s just some piss, I usually skip that part or imagine it’s normal cum”. It’s not gonna happen. You’ve just bought yourself a one way ticket to singlesville and a lifetime of therapy. Weigh up the cost of enjoying a spot of fetish against the pain of living a life on the sex offenders list. How much do you have to lose?

Is this girl in any non-piss porn?
Look this girl up, if she’s as hot as you seem to think, she’ll be famous. If so, there’s a chance she’ll have appeared in a better porno that doesn’t involve piss or any other kind of excrement.  Odds are against you though. Once girls go piss, most normals won’t touch her again, she’s resigned to a life of grime.

Can you maintain a hard-on despite the piss?
If you find your little fella can’t battle on despite those amazing breasts, give up, you’ve lost. If however, your chap is more than happy to fight the good fight, you might ask yourself how much of an obstacle this piss business is anyway…

Are you willing to submit to piss?
In many ways piss is the gateway drug of the porn world. It’s familiar and within easy access to all of us. So what if there’s a little piss in my porn, it can’t hurt, right? WRONG.
You let a little piss into your porn life, next thing you’re having sexy dreams that involve urine – and you like it. Next, you find yourself typing ‘piss’ into the search engines at night, next you start touching your own piss and asking to watch your wife drizzle herself and freezing her ‘samples’ to make popsicles, before you know it you’re typing ‘skat’ into the search engine and YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE.

If you STILL can’t make up your mind…
If by this point you still can’t decide, I have to break it to you – YOU ARE INTO PISS.

KS

hollywoodschwitz

“THE BRITISH ARE COMING”

Too fucking right, and we’re better actors too. Which explains why we’re wiping American names off of casting calls throughout Hollywood. But this time round I doubt very much that America has even noticed the British invasion. In fact, have you? I only began to notice it recently myself.

It ‘began’ with Batman Begins. I’m a huge fan of Batman, I’m also a fan of Christopher Nolan, the British director responsible for revamping the franchise. Knowing that most of the scenes set in Gotham were actually shot in Bedfordshire, I couldn’t help notice that Wayne Manor too was quite clearly set in the English countryside. And that Batman himself was Welsh. And that Commissioner Gordon was from London. And his boss does voice overs for British television. And that a good 70% of the cast in fact originated from the British Isles. Only the fucking butler kept his accent. Unless you count Liam Neeson, but no one can really tell if he’s trying to do an accent or not anymore.

I found it amusing at first, but things have got ridiculous now. Having watched Kick Ass last week, it suddenly occurred to me how racist Hollywood, or at least the viewing public has become. Kick Ass, a film directed by a Brit, whose screenplay was adapted by Brits, whose little-known star was British and who’s entire cast was littered with British actors including Mark Strong (the film’s main villain) and even Dexter Fletcher from Press Gang and Game’s Master.

What gives? Why so many Brits? Even Hugh Laurie from Blackadder is at it. It turns out when he gave his first interviews in Yankland most people’s response was “why is he doing that stupid English accent?”. Yes, why Hugh – what’s with the stupid accent?
House isn’t the only series to source its stars from our lush green turf – logic-defying atrocity FlashForward hosts an (un)impressive cast lead by mostly British actors, where only the villians and people with ambiguous morality are allowed to retain their native accents.

And this is point I’m driving at – hooray for British actors making it big. Pat on the fucking back. But why are you pretending to be American?
Is it because Yanks won’t comprehend your impossibly jumbled accent?
Can’t be as everyone seems to understand that cockney wankstain Russell Brand.

Is it because the role requires you to be American?
Possibly. I can accept roles like Batman have always been American and always will be. Batman is American.

Is it because Hollywood is racist and doesn’t think the viewing public would be able to handle a British hero?
Yep, pretty much.

Films Sorry, movies such as Wanted, starring Scotland’s James McAvoy depict a band of international super-assassins brought together to direct fate to serve the greater good of humanity. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov, born in the former Soviet Union, this could easily have had an international cast portraying international characters, but instead, the lead character (a Brit) is given an American accent and the only actor to portray a ‘foreigner’ (a Russian) is a quirky loser who ends up dying early anyway.

Australian’s aren’t exactly immune either, with the likes of Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Mel Gibson, Eric Bana, ‘Huge Ackman’, and Naomi Watts all having to ‘fake it’ as Yanks in order to bag the juicy roles. Terminator Salvation, one of the biggest films of last summer starred a Welshman as John Connor, a Russian as his father, an Ozzie as their assassin and an Englishwoman as his creator. These were the 5 leading roles, all dished out to non-Americans, all faking American accents.

It’s easy to argue the toss with ‘this role requires an American’ or ‘this film is made in America so you gadda be ‘Merican’, but if all the talent it being outsourced to Johnny Foreigners like us Brits or even the Ozzies, and in today’s global society where immigration and international travel are almost too easy and the internet connects everyone to just about everyone, it seems bizarre that there aren’t more actors using their native accents. Especially when many of them are shit at putting on an accent. The only reason I can see is plain and simple racism.

For example, Daniel Craig in Tomb Raider. I mean, Lara Croft is ENGLISH (played by an American). Why could they not have cast Daniel Craig, her acquaintance, as a fellow Brit? Daniel Craig’s accent was SHIT. IT WAS LUDICROUS.

I predict: The migrating workforce of actors shifting to the States will soon cause a backlash as a sea of American actors, all living off income support, bankrupt the social care system causing the country’s economy to collapse. Meanwhile the vacuum created by local talent fleeing Britain to seek fame and fortune in the States creates a welcome platform for swarms of Dick Van Dyke style mockneys flood in and take over British television – taking over everything from Bid Up TV to BBC3. Imagine that, the entire cast of ‘Coming of Age’ being replaced by Cockerny Chimnay Sweeps. Might be a good thing. Actually, would anyone notice?

KS